Today.

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Depression is a hard thing. Hard as in, hard to understand. It’s complicated to even communicate some days. Sometimes, you don’t even realize it’s effecting you.

Today, I found it almost nearly impossible to stay awake. Today i found myself capable of walking my dog, and yes, I managed to shower. I still need to shave and I managed to eat a bowl of buttered pasta around 4 p.m. I also made it out to the market and back after I’d managed to sleep another four hours. Only to make dinner at 11:30 p.m. Today, I noticed my hair has felt healthier from the oil i put in it. It’s funny how, piercing my lip basically signifies never speaking to my dad again. It’s 2 a.m. and I just came to bed after a good movie. It’s 2 a.m. and I am crying because i won’t see my dad’s family before they pass. It’s 2 a.m, almost an entire month later, and I’m still not able to find validation in myself because of the way things played out. Today, I felt completely drained and I said some terrible things.

Depression, is not easy. It’s not something anyone could control or see coming. It happens, and it’s different with everyone. Today, I’ve slept nearly eighteen hours. Today, I had some “achievements” and today, I was also defeated. Each sunrise is a new hike in the valley.

The Difference Between Sympathy and Empathy — northwest journals

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CW: pet death “So, are you going to get a new cat?” my coworker, Bridget, asked. Her eyebrows rounded and the gray streak in her hair glowed in the harsh fluorescent light. A mixture of impatience and grief constricted my throat. I had come so close to getting out the door. My computer was off, […]

via The Difference Between Sympathy and Empathy — northwest journals

The changing season 

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I did it again guys! I’ve tried something new with my hair and I so far I love it. I seem to find myself doing more and more differently. Given that it’s fall I’d like to believe that this is just the beginning of change before the new chapter. I am thankful for the new year ahead, and hope to grow this blog into something great. Cheers to all, & do feel free to leave suggestions on topics. 

Two years?? (Yep, I’m back guys!)

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  So the last time I was posting I was in a completely different place. I am here to catch up, & perhaps take another jab at this.

  To begin with, I started this page as extra credit in high school which lead to me finding a new outlet for my emotions. Now I want to take this in a new more serious & hopefully helpful direction. I would like to focus my ideas towards benefiting the mental health community. 

    I will also be posting more in general about a variety of topics including where I’ve been the last two years. Any suggestions will be welcome so just leave a comment below any post. I would like to close this by telling you all the exciting news.

    I have been recruited by earthbound and will be looking forward to the oppurtunity. The pay is less but happiness is key. Ready to be surrounded by good vibes and kind people. 

  Goodnight babes! 

Fall

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Fall

ifoundyouinthedark

I’ve been doing everything I possibly can not to write about you.

I shut down my computer.  I make more plans.  I thwart my own desire to write.

I don’t tell friends your name, I won’t introduce you.  I put your flowers on the coffee table and stuffed the hand written note into the top left drawer of my dresser. Then suddenly, in a moment of recklessness, yanked it out and put it in my purse.

Unbeknownst to you, for the last two weeks I’ve been carrying your words, your crooked k’s and i’s dotted far to the left, everywhere I go. I know I’m falling for you. I’m fighting it every step of the god damned way.

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Listening to My Own Voice

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Absolutely what i needed.

Life's Like A Tree

Nevermind the emotional mess of the last few months, nevermind the feeling that sometimes I cannot control my emotions as much as I wish to try, nevermind all of the things that keep me from executing a plan. At some point, for me, realizations come in, and I, the I that lives in the outside world, that sees people and has interactions, is sloshed about from side to side in a wave of impulses that my brain seemingly decides at random. I’m at the bottom of the trough beginning to crest. Hopefully this is something more significant that a slippy little eddy.

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New chapter

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Well I’ve been holding off on my new years post but now since I have nothing else to do I’ll take a second to say a few things. It’s finally 2015. The yr i barely made it to. Last yr was indeed a rollercoaster. Hopefully this one won’t be the same. I finally have found some stability in my life. In two months I’ll be 18. In five months I’ll be walking across a stage in front of my whole town with the best friends anyone could ask for. In about seven months I’ll be starting college in athens. Oh and I can’t forget, my recovery. October will be one yr clean of self harm. This yr is going to be my year, literally.  I’m finally starting MY life. I’m gunna miss each and everyone of my friends as I do those that are no longer around. 2015 is going to be the most intimidating, scary, yet exciting year for me. I’ll finally be able to be my own person with my own little family. Fur baby family that is haha. So hears to a new & eventful year! ♡
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Aspire to inspire

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I don’t believe in new years because I believe we all have our own destiny. I don’t think it’s fair to set yourself up to possibly become disappointed with yourself.  It’s not healthy in my opinion it’s good to have goals, of course, but why is it we’re all ready to jump on the new year bandwagon? Because It’s tradition? Why can’t we make our own traditions? Like a tradition of being yourself instead of trying to be like the society that surrounds us. We are our own beings and we need to start acting like it. I guess, if I must have a resolution,  that’s what it would be. To be more original. Originality is inspiring & that’s what I want. I want to inspire others and those that I inspire to also inspire more. We are our future. We must discover our individuality and use it to make a positive difference in the world before we lose ourselves in it.

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There’s always a bit of heaven in this hell ♡

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Ear buds in, music up, eyes closed, deep breath. This is home, the place my heart lives, surrounded by a wall of light to block this wave of darkness. The moment this darkness consumes the light I’m lost, lost in agony, trying to swim out…looking for a release. As of right now though there’s still a chance to beat it. There’s still hope. H.O.P.E. Being surrounded by this madness doesn’t mean I have to give in. It doesn’t mean I have to cry,  to scream, to be scared or to relapse. It simply means I must fight the battle I always have, & as long as I know to keep fighting,  I can still fight. With the will to fight comes courage and with courage anything may be conquered. This is my light. My light is the HOPE, the COURAGE, the MEANING I still have, & this is how i survive this hell.

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