The changing season 

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I did it again guys! I’ve tried something new with my hair and I so far I love it. I seem to find myself doing more and more differently. Given that it’s fall I’d like to believe that this is just the beginning of change before the new chapter. I am thankful for the new year ahead, and hope to grow this blog into something great. Cheers to all, & do feel free to leave suggestions on topics. 

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Two years?? (Yep, I’m back guys!)

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  So the last time I was posting I was in a completely different place. I am here to catch up, & perhaps take another jab at this.

  To begin with, I started this page as extra credit in high school which lead to me finding a new outlet for my emotions. Now I want to take this in a new more serious & hopefully helpful direction. I would like to focus my ideas towards benefiting the mental health community. 

    I will also be posting more in general about a variety of topics including where I’ve been the last two years. Any suggestions will be welcome so just leave a comment below any post. I would like to close this by telling you all the exciting news.

    I have been recruited by earthbound and will be looking forward to the oppurtunity. The pay is less but happiness is key. Ready to be surrounded by good vibes and kind people. 

  Goodnight babes! 

What Went Through My Mind When I Was At High School

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vickibutlerxox

  • dont wanna get up
  • Five more minutes
  • I’m gonna look like shit
  • OKAY FINE IM UP
  • oh..my..god I look like the grudge
  • MAKEUP TIME
  • I have a spot
  • TOUCH IT
  • no. Don’t touch it
  • Ah fuck I touched it
  • Ew it’s yellow
  • GONNA CONCEAL THAT SHIT
  • bad hair day
  • Every day is a bad hair day.
  • Let’s put this shit up
  • I look like shit
  • Ahh fuck it
  • Got a belly ache
  • Wait
  • WAIT
  • NOOOO
  • OH GOD NOOOO
  • yep.
  • It’s happened.
  • Period.
  • fuck AWESOME
  • well I’m going to be in a good fucking mood.
  • I hate everyone.
  • Look at that girl
  • Look at her thighs
  • They don’t touch
  • Mine touch
  • NO. boys like curvy girls.
  • Please say boys like curvy girls
  • Eugh she looks like a stick
  • She’s so unnatractive
  • Bet she’s a slut
  • NO I BET SHES GOT A REALLY HOT BOYF WHO LOVES HER
  • I hate school. I…

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Fall

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Fall

ifoundyouinthedark

I’ve been doing everything I possibly can not to write about you.

I shut down my computer.  I make more plans.  I thwart my own desire to write.

I don’t tell friends your name, I won’t introduce you.  I put your flowers on the coffee table and stuffed the hand written note into the top left drawer of my dresser. Then suddenly, in a moment of recklessness, yanked it out and put it in my purse.

Unbeknownst to you, for the last two weeks I’ve been carrying your words, your crooked k’s and i’s dotted far to the left, everywhere I go. I know I’m falling for you. I’m fighting it every step of the god damned way.

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It’s About Time To Shine

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et cetera

I have been sulking and moping around for too long.

I still haven’t fully recovered from the past, but I saw an opportunity open up recently. I was able to get a break from seeing certain people. It’s not that I resent them or whatever, but I need time away from them. As in not see them or hear from them at a certain amount of time.

Recovering from a heartbreak is somehow like coming out of rehab.It takes time and effort, and inevitable ofrelapse.

I haven’t been over it most probably because of the fact that I haven’t let go of what I should have. I hold on to certain memories because I don’t want to forget them, which should not be the case because I have claimed that I do not want to be tied up with that person anymore. But, there is still this…

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Listening to My Own Voice

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Absolutely what i needed.

Life's Like A Tree

Nevermind the emotional mess of the last few months, nevermind the feeling that sometimes I cannot control my emotions as much as I wish to try, nevermind all of the things that keep me from executing a plan. At some point, for me, realizations come in, and I, the I that lives in the outside world, that sees people and has interactions, is sloshed about from side to side in a wave of impulses that my brain seemingly decides at random. I’m at the bottom of the trough beginning to crest. Hopefully this is something more significant that a slippy little eddy.

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Counting memories

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Have you ever felt so lost you couldn’t find words to express it? All you knew was that your heart was thumping more so than beating. Well if you have you probably know it’s the worst feeling ever and it drives you crazy. Especially when the reason you feel lost is because you feel like a giant piece is missing from you.

  Three days ago my best friend flew back to arizona after being ho Before he came home he’d only been back state side a couple months. While he was gone i finished school, moved out, started my life with my now ex boyfriend, & had manage to continue to talk to him everyday.
  Well who knew that within two days of him being home I’d lose every bit of myself in time spent with him. The guy I’d moved in with originally ended up just over the bar of whiney, disrespectful, man-child & it just so happened my best friend was my way out. Within two days I’d decided i was moving back home, and that i would be devoted to making myself happy.
  Over a course of 12 days i managed to be the happiest I’d been since freshman year when i first met what is now my family. That was 3 years ago. Now here it is and my best friend still has at least two years before he comes back home. That didn’t seem to be an issue or even a thought until now.
  During those 12 days i grew closer to my best friend than i ever thought would happen. We rode dirt roads and talked for hours, went camping, drank, went to the lake, went rafting…. we were literally on a constant adventure. That wasn’t even the best part.
  With every destination we went to, every venture we made, and around everyone we knew or didn’t know i was treated like i was his. He constantly told me how he enjoyed just looking at me due to the fact that i always caught him looking. The kisses were anywhere from compassionate to burning lust, & i couldn’t help but crave every drop of it. Every time his lips met mine i couldn’t help but taste the animal inside him. Knowing he could easily hurt me without even trying was so very intimidating, yet i knew he wouldn’t and that’s what pulled me in. His hands were rough and busted, but i couldn’t have felt anymore at home. His touch was the most comforting thing I’d felt in a long time. But his scares… each one had a different story. Each one from a different fight or from a different accident working.  Each one meant something and each had played a role in changing him.
  However,  to me he hasn’t changed. He’s still the best friend i had in high school. He’s just got a dark past and every day is a challenge to cope and i see that. I see a man of sheer strength and heartache that slowly copes through time, & to me that makes him beautiful.
  The last day i had with him was a lot harder than i thought. I’d told him on day two of him being home I’d cry when he left. Well, i broke before he even made it out my mother’s driveway on our last day together. Now here i am technically four days latter, 1:38 in the morning, wide awake, & trying to figure out how to pass by two yrs. Trying decide how to occupy all of my free time at least until he visits again.
  The only thing making this harder than it ever was is knowing the feelings he has for me, and knowing he wants to wait until he’s home for good to let it become anything . Knowing that makes me all the more eager, & all the more restless.
  From the day he left to now time feels like a tiny slug moving through the desert. I’d give anything to fill this emptiness inside of me. But, truth be told, only he can bring back the piece of me he took when he left.
  December 2016 couldn’t come fast enough darling.
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