Monthly Archives: May 2014

Diary of a manic depressive teen ♡

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Nights like these I find myself drowning.   It’s nights like these where I wish I didn’t have so many fucking problems;  where I wish I was normal.  I’m probably the only person who lays in bed crying because she needs to know that she is loved at the end of the day. But, instead she feels completely irrelevant and feels absolutely miserable because she doesn’t get any support at home. And because of that she hates her life. It’s times like this I realise how often I contemplate suicide… which is basically a daily basis. Maybe it’s cause I’ve taken myself off the meds and haven’t had any in over 2 months, Or maybe I’m just a fucked up individual.  All I know is right now I feel like shit and these tears are getting so overwhelming. Like why must I have so many problems.  I’m just an abundance of issues that can’t be fixed. I can see why people don’t like to tolerate me. What they don’t see is that I know that and that it kills me all the time. Honestly I could easily relapse right now, & I feel like I really should because it’s what’s easiest. The only reason I’m fighting it so much is because no one wants to love someone covered in scars. At least ones that are self inflicted.  That’s another problem I have. I want to keep someone who shows me love and care around so badly I will do whatever I must do to not lose them. Which, in this case, is probably good because It’s keeping me alive and some what sane. I’m not even making sense to myself at this point. I just wish I could breathe. Everything seems so much easier when I’m with him, but everything is hell when we’re apart. Honestly I blame myself for being so attached to someone or something too easily. It’s basically me dragging myself through the dirt. I don’t know how to stay happy. I really don’t.  I wish I was just fucking normal.

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