So the last time I was posting I was in a completely different place. I am here to catch up, & perhaps take another jab at this.
To begin with, I started this page as extra credit in high school which lead to me finding a new outlet for my emotions. Now I want to take this in a new more serious & hopefully helpful direction. I would like to focus my ideas towards benefiting the mental health community.
I will also be posting more in general about a variety of topics including where I’ve been the last two years. Any suggestions will be welcome so just leave a comment below any post. I would like to close this by telling you all the exciting news.
I have been recruited by earthbound and will be looking forward to the oppurtunity. The pay is less but happiness is key. Ready to be surrounded by good vibes and kind people.
Have you ever felt so lost you couldn’t find words to express it? All you knew was that your heart was thumping more so than beating. Well if you have you probably know it’s the worst feeling ever and it drives you crazy. Especially when the reason you feel lost is because you feel like a giant piece is missing from you.
Three days ago my best friend flew back to arizona after being ho Before he came home he’d only been back state side a couple months. While he was gone i finished school, moved out, started my life with my now ex boyfriend, & had manage to continue to talk to him everyday.
Well who knew that within two days of him being home I’d lose every bit of myself in time spent with him. The guy I’d moved in with originally ended up just over the bar of whiney, disrespectful, man-child & it just so happened my best friend was my way out. Within two days I’d decided i was moving back home, and that i would be devoted to making myself happy.
Over a course of 12 days i managed to be the happiest I’d been since freshman year when i first met what is now my family. That was 3 years ago. Now here it is and my best friend still has at least two years before he comes back home. That didn’t seem to be an issue or even a thought until now.
During those 12 days i grew closer to my best friend than i ever thought would happen. We rode dirt roads and talked for hours, went camping, drank, went to the lake, went rafting…. we were literally on a constant adventure. That wasn’t even the best part.
With every destination we went to, every venture we made, and around everyone we knew or didn’t know i was treated like i was his. He constantly told me how he enjoyed just looking at me due to the fact that i always caught him looking. The kisses were anywhere from compassionate to burning lust, & i couldn’t help but crave every drop of it. Every time his lips met mine i couldn’t help but taste the animal inside him. Knowing he could easily hurt me without even trying was so very intimidating, yet i knew he wouldn’t and that’s what pulled me in. His hands were rough and busted, but i couldn’t have felt anymore at home. His touch was the most comforting thing I’d felt in a long time. But his scares… each one had a different story. Each one from a different fight or from a different accident working. Each one meant something and each had played a role in changing him.
However, to me he hasn’t changed. He’s still the best friend i had in high school. He’s just got a dark past and every day is a challenge to cope and i see that. I see a man of sheer strength and heartache that slowly copes through time, & to me that makes him beautiful.
The last day i had with him was a lot harder than i thought. I’d told him on day two of him being home I’d cry when he left. Well, i broke before he even made it out my mother’s driveway on our last day together. Now here i am technically four days latter, 1:38 in the morning, wide awake, & trying to figure out how to pass by two yrs. Trying decide how to occupy all of my free time at least until he visits again.
The only thing making this harder than it ever was is knowing the feelings he has for me, and knowing he wants to wait until he’s home for good to let it become anything . Knowing that makes me all the more eager, & all the more restless.
From the day he left to now time feels like a tiny slug moving through the desert. I’d give anything to fill this emptiness inside of me. But, truth be told, only he can bring back the piece of me he took when he left.
December 2016 couldn’t come fast enough darling.
Fake faces, white walls, no one to run to. Anger there, pain here. Border line my breaking point. I just need to cry, but the emptiness is holding me back. Calling out for me to break the wall. Maybe if I had a drink it’d fade away…. or maybe a relapse will free me. No liquid release, all I have is this metal reliever. What do I do? There is no help, no trust, no love, nothing. I’m alone. We all are. Completely and entirely alone. Paranoid about the whispers, the jokes, the quiet lips, & deceitful eyes. I’m lost and all I see is the gleam of that metal leading me to freedom, & I just need to feel something. Anything besides this silence….
Ear buds in, music up, eyes closed, deep breath. This is home, the place my heart lives, surrounded by a wall of light to block this wave of darkness. The moment this darkness consumes the light I’m lost, lost in agony, trying to swim out…looking for a release. As of right now though there’s still a chance to beat it. There’s still hope. H.O.P.E. Being surrounded by this madness doesn’t mean I have to give in. It doesn’t mean I have to cry, to scream, to be scared or to relapse. It simply means I must fight the battle I always have, & as long as I know to keep fighting, I can still fight. With the will to fight comes courage and with courage anything may be conquered. This is my light. My light is the HOPE, the COURAGE, the MEANING I still have, & this is how i survive this hell.