Well I’ve been holding off on my new years post but now since I have nothing else to do I’ll take a second to say a few things. It’s finally 2015. The yr i barely made it to. Last yr was indeed a rollercoaster. Hopefully this one won’t be the same. I finally have found some stability in my life. In two months I’ll be 18. In five months I’ll be walking across a stage in front of my whole town with the best friends anyone could ask for. In about seven months I’ll be starting college in athens. Oh and I can’t forget, my recovery. October will be one yr clean of self harm. This yr is going to be my year, literally. I’m finally starting MY life. I’m gunna miss each and everyone of my friends as I do those that are no longer around. 2015 is going to be the most intimidating, scary, yet exciting year for me. I’ll finally be able to be my own person with my own little family. Fur baby family that is haha. So hears to a new & eventful year! ♡
I don’t believe in new years because I believe we all have our own destiny. I don’t think it’s fair to set yourself up to possibly become disappointed with yourself. It’s not healthy in my opinion it’s good to have goals, of course, but why is it we’re all ready to jump on the new year bandwagon? Because It’s tradition? Why can’t we make our own traditions? Like a tradition of being yourself instead of trying to be like the society that surrounds us. We are our own beings and we need to start acting like it. I guess, if I must have a resolution, that’s what it would be. To be more original. Originality is inspiring & that’s what I want. I want to inspire others and those that I inspire to also inspire more. We are our future. We must discover our individuality and use it to make a positive difference in the world before we lose ourselves in it.
Ear buds in, music up, eyes closed, deep breath. This is home, the place my heart lives, surrounded by a wall of light to block this wave of darkness. The moment this darkness consumes the light I’m lost, lost in agony, trying to swim out…looking for a release. As of right now though there’s still a chance to beat it. There’s still hope. H.O.P.E. Being surrounded by this madness doesn’t mean I have to give in. It doesn’t mean I have to cry, to scream, to be scared or to relapse. It simply means I must fight the battle I always have, & as long as I know to keep fighting, I can still fight. With the will to fight comes courage and with courage anything may be conquered. This is my light. My light is the HOPE, the COURAGE, the MEANING I still have, & this is how i survive this hell.
You would think that living in the society that I do ignorance would be nothing new. However, a couple months ago I was shocked. To hear a student say they’d rather risk their life to sell drugs rather than completing his education blew me away. I was so astounded and angry to hear that this person would rather take, what they consider the easy way out, than actually putting forth the effort they could. Then, to top it off, considering it a “game”. Risking your life, that you haven’t even began to start, for a few bucks is the worst thing you could do. In all honesty if you look at the bigger picture drug dealers don’t even make minimum wage. The only one’s who make the real money are the ones at the top, & they didn’t get there just for selling dope on a street corner. I never thought someone’s ignorance could blow my mind as much as it did that day.
She walks through the halls with a smile & a laugh. She goes to bed in tears and shakes. She is me. Each day I wake up and swallow this white pill. Created to change me and morph me into some kind of puppet. Addictive chemicals altering my brain, but still don’t stop pain. No one sees it, but every second of every minute of ever hour of every day I face a battle. Not just any kind of battles though. Battles that, under the surface, create a war. A war against anxiety and depression. A war against hate, anger, & self harm. Every day I wish it would just stop just so I could be at peace. When I relapse it’s the hardest thing on me. It kills me to fail myself. One day though I Will win the war, & except myself. I will smile and laugh with meaning, & I will look at my reflection and know I am truly happy.
“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”. No matter how hard the struggle gets, don’t ever give up. I’ve learned that you can be drug through hell, but if you keep fighting you’ll survive. I’ve got a lot of problems, yet I still find a way to smile. As much as I’ve been through, & as much as it hurt, it’s allowed me to have a better understanding & perspective on life. I love that I’m able to give advice & help others through their struggles. Sometimes it’s stressful, but in the end you realize how much of an impact you made. Essentially I’m able to smile because I helped stop someone from doing something that could potentially ruin their life. The next time you wake up try telling yourself that “today I’m going to live, not just survive.” ♥