Well I’ve been holding off on my new years post but now since I have nothing else to do I’ll take a second to say a few things. It’s finally 2015. The yr i barely made it to. Last yr was indeed a rollercoaster. Hopefully this one won’t be the same. I finally have found some stability in my life. In two months I’ll be 18. In five months I’ll be walking across a stage in front of my whole town with the best friends anyone could ask for. In about seven months I’ll be starting college in athens. Oh and I can’t forget, my recovery. October will be one yr clean of self harm. This yr is going to be my year, literally. I’m finally starting MY life. I’m gunna miss each and everyone of my friends as I do those that are no longer around. 2015 is going to be the most intimidating, scary, yet exciting year for me. I’ll finally be able to be my own person with my own little family. Fur baby family that is haha. So hears to a new & eventful year! ♡
I don’t believe in new years because I believe we all have our own destiny. I don’t think it’s fair to set yourself up to possibly become disappointed with yourself. It’s not healthy in my opinion it’s good to have goals, of course, but why is it we’re all ready to jump on the new year bandwagon? Because It’s tradition? Why can’t we make our own traditions? Like a tradition of being yourself instead of trying to be like the society that surrounds us. We are our own beings and we need to start acting like it. I guess, if I must have a resolution, that’s what it would be. To be more original. Originality is inspiring & that’s what I want. I want to inspire others and those that I inspire to also inspire more. We are our future. We must discover our individuality and use it to make a positive difference in the world before we lose ourselves in it.
Nights like these I find myself drowning. It’s nights like these where I wish I didn’t have so many fucking problems; where I wish I was normal. I’m probably the only person who lays in bed crying because she needs to know that she is loved at the end of the day. But, instead she feels completely irrelevant and feels absolutely miserable because she doesn’t get any support at home. And because of that she hates her life. It’s times like this I realise how often I contemplate suicide… which is basically a daily basis. Maybe it’s cause I’ve taken myself off the meds and haven’t had any in over 2 months, Or maybe I’m just a fucked up individual. All I know is right now I feel like shit and these tears are getting so overwhelming. Like why must I have so many problems. I’m just an abundance of issues that can’t be fixed. I can see why people don’t like to tolerate me. What they don’t see is that I know that and that it kills me all the time. Honestly I could easily relapse right now, & I feel like I really should because it’s what’s easiest. The only reason I’m fighting it so much is because no one wants to love someone covered in scars. At least ones that are self inflicted. That’s another problem I have. I want to keep someone who shows me love and care around so badly I will do whatever I must do to not lose them. Which, in this case, is probably good because It’s keeping me alive and some what sane. I’m not even making sense to myself at this point. I just wish I could breathe. Everything seems so much easier when I’m with him, but everything is hell when we’re apart. Honestly I blame myself for being so attached to someone or something too easily. It’s basically me dragging myself through the dirt. I don’t know how to stay happy. I really don’t. I wish I was just fucking normal.
Fake faces, white walls, no one to run to. Anger there, pain here. Border line my breaking point. I just need to cry, but the emptiness is holding me back. Calling out for me to break the wall. Maybe if I had a drink it’d fade away…. or maybe a relapse will free me. No liquid release, all I have is this metal reliever. What do I do? There is no help, no trust, no love, nothing. I’m alone. We all are. Completely and entirely alone. Paranoid about the whispers, the jokes, the quiet lips, & deceitful eyes. I’m lost and all I see is the gleam of that metal leading me to freedom, & I just need to feel something. Anything besides this silence….
Ear buds in, music up, eyes closed, deep breath. This is home, the place my heart lives, surrounded by a wall of light to block this wave of darkness. The moment this darkness consumes the light I’m lost, lost in agony, trying to swim out…looking for a release. As of right now though there’s still a chance to beat it. There’s still hope. H.O.P.E. Being surrounded by this madness doesn’t mean I have to give in. It doesn’t mean I have to cry, to scream, to be scared or to relapse. It simply means I must fight the battle I always have, & as long as I know to keep fighting, I can still fight. With the will to fight comes courage and with courage anything may be conquered. This is my light. My light is the HOPE, the COURAGE, the MEANING I still have, & this is how i survive this hell.
You would think that living in the society that I do ignorance would be nothing new. However, a couple months ago I was shocked. To hear a student say they’d rather risk their life to sell drugs rather than completing his education blew me away. I was so astounded and angry to hear that this person would rather take, what they consider the easy way out, than actually putting forth the effort they could. Then, to top it off, considering it a “game”. Risking your life, that you haven’t even began to start, for a few bucks is the worst thing you could do. In all honesty if you look at the bigger picture drug dealers don’t rven make minimum wage. The only one’s who make the real money are the ones at the top, & they didn’t get there just for selling dope on a street corner. I never thought someone’s ignorance could blow my mind as much as it had been that day.