Nights like these I find myself drowning. It’s nights like these where I wish I didn’t have so many fucking problems; where I wish I was normal. I’m probably the only person who lays in bed crying because she needs to know that she is loved at the end of the day. But, instead she feels completely irrelevant and feels absolutely miserable because she doesn’t get any support at home. And because of that she hates her life. It’s times like this I realise how often I contemplate suicide… which is basically a daily basis. Maybe it’s cause I’ve taken myself off the meds and haven’t had any in over 2 months, Or maybe I’m just a fucked up individual. All I know is right now I feel like shit and these tears are getting so overwhelming. Like why must I have so many problems. I’m just an abundance of issues that can’t be fixed. I can see why people don’t like to tolerate me. What they don’t see is that I know that and that it kills me all the time. Honestly I could easily relapse right now, & I feel like I really should because it’s what’s easiest. The only reason I’m fighting it so much is because no one wants to love someone covered in scars. At least ones that are self inflicted. That’s another problem I have. I want to keep someone who shows me love and care around so badly I will do whatever I must do to not lose them. Which, in this case, is probably good because It’s keeping me alive and some what sane. I’m not even making sense to myself at this point. I just wish I could breathe. Everything seems so much easier when I’m with him, but everything is hell when we’re apart. Honestly I blame myself for being so attached to someone or something too easily. It’s basically me dragging myself through the dirt. I don’t know how to stay happy. I really don’t. I wish I was just fucking normal.
Fake faces, white walls, no one to run to. Anger there, pain here. Border line my breaking point. I just need to cry, but the emptiness is holding me back. Calling out for me to break the wall. Maybe if I had a drink it’d fade away…. or maybe a relapse will free me. No liquid release, all I have is this metal reliever. What do I do? There is no help, no trust, no love, nothing. I’m alone. We all are. Completely and entirely alone. Paranoid about the whispers, the jokes, the quiet lips, & deceitful eyes. I’m lost and all I see is the gleam of that metal leading me to freedom, & I just need to feel something. Anything besides this silence….
Ear buds in, music up, eyes closed, deep breath. This is home, the place my heart lives, surrounded by a wall of light to block this wave of darkness. The moment this darkness consumes the light I’m lost, lost in agony, trying to swim out…looking for a release. As of right now though there’s still a chance to beat it. There’s still hope. H.O.P.E. Being surrounded by this madness doesn’t mean I have to give in. It doesn’t mean I have to cry, to scream, to be scared or to relapse. It simply means I must fight the battle I always have, & as long as I know to keep fighting, I can still fight. With the will to fight comes courage and with courage anything may be conquered. This is my light. My light is the HOPE, the COURAGE, the MEANING I still have, & this is how i survive this hell.
She walks through the halls with a smile & a laugh. She goes to bed in tears and shakes. She is me. Each day I wake up and swallow this white pill. Created to change me and morph me into some kind of puppet. Addictive chemicals altering my brain, but still don’t stop pain. No one sees it, but every second of every minute of ever hour of every day I face a battle. Not just any kind of battles though. Battles that, under the surface, create a war. A war against anxiety and depression. A war against hate, anger, & self harm. Every day I wish it would just stop just so I could be at peace. When I relapse it’s the hardest thing on me. It kills me to fail myself. One day though I Will win the war, & except myself. I will smile and laugh with meaning, & I will look at my reflection and know I am truly happy.