Tag Archives: anxiety

Follow your soul 👣

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Deep breath. Focus. I’ve never had such a difficult time putting how i feel into words, at least written words. With him though, it’s not easy by any means. I don’t how to explain exactly how i feel. I know that i go from excited, to anxious,  happy, & back to being scared. I’m hoping that this all works out. I’m hoping that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m hoping he doesn’t give up on himself, or get scared of a commitment to me later. I want so badly to be everything he needs, but I’m scared shitless of that idea to. It just seems too good to be true and I’m so scared that all I’ll think about is when I’m going to lose him. I haven’t had this thought up until now, but what if i really can’t look past how easy this all is. What if he’s mine and i can’t get past being terrified of how long it’ll be before i lose him? It’s almost stressful to think about. I wish he was home already. I find myself missing him more and more the closer it get to seeing him. It seems like we’re meeting for the first time almost. Thinking about it gives me butterflies almost, just because of my nerves. I assume it’s due to the fact that their have been so many feelings and emotions voiced. Before we were just friends who flirted and now it’s like we’re practically together. I’m ready for long nights down back roads, tangled up in that truck again. I’m ready to hear his voice sooth me, & to feel his hands in my hair. I need to kiss him so badly it almost hurts. I’m ready to make more of the happiest memories of my life. I miss feeling my soul shine in my eyes & looking over to see him starring at me. I missed how we engulfed each other and built a volcano out of match.
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Note to self 13; (fate?)

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Worry no more my darling. That’s all i can tell myself.  May 2017 my best friend comes home. No questions about it. He’s got a lot of regrets and hurt going on in his mind and chest. But, I’m doing my best to ease it. I can’t help but wonder if this is all truly meant to be. I mean he was considering another 5 yrs and once i find ou,t not even 3 weeks later, he is told he’ll be medically discharged the end of this contract. I’m happy because he’ll finally be home. However i know it’s hard for him not having the option to go back to all he’s known the last 3 1/2 yrs. I’m scared this is all too good to be true, but i wanna believe in him so badly. Just gotta follow my soul.

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Diary of a manic depressive teen ♡

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Nights like these I find myself drowning.   It’s nights like these where I wish I didn’t have so many fucking problems;  where I wish I was normal.  I’m probably the only person who lays in bed crying because she needs to know that she is loved at the end of the day. But, instead she feels completely irrelevant and feels absolutely miserable because she doesn’t get any support at home. And because of that she hates her life. It’s times like this I realise how often I contemplate suicide… which is basically a daily basis. Maybe it’s cause I’ve taken myself off the meds and haven’t had any in over 2 months, Or maybe I’m just a fucked up individual.  All I know is right now I feel like shit and these tears are getting so overwhelming. Like why must I have so many problems.  I’m just an abundance of issues that can’t be fixed. I can see why people don’t like to tolerate me. What they don’t see is that I know that and that it kills me all the time. Honestly I could easily relapse right now, & I feel like I really should because it’s what’s easiest. The only reason I’m fighting it so much is because no one wants to love someone covered in scars. At least ones that are self inflicted.  That’s another problem I have. I want to keep someone who shows me love and care around so badly I will do whatever I must do to not lose them. Which, in this case, is probably good because It’s keeping me alive and some what sane. I’m not even making sense to myself at this point. I just wish I could breathe. Everything seems so much easier when I’m with him, but everything is hell when we’re apart. Honestly I blame myself for being so attached to someone or something too easily. It’s basically me dragging myself through the dirt. I don’t know how to stay happy. I really don’t.  I wish I was just fucking normal.

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Hollow.

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Fake faces, white walls, no one to run to. Anger there, pain here. Border line my breaking point. I just need to cry, but the emptiness is holding me back. Calling out for me to break the wall. Maybe if I had a drink it’d fade away…. or maybe a relapse will free me. No liquid release, all I have is this metal reliever. What do I do? There is no help, no trust, no love, nothing. I’m alone. We all are. Completely and entirely alone. Paranoid about the whispers, the jokes, the quiet lips, & deceitful eyes. I’m lost and all I see is the gleam of that metal leading me to freedom, & I just need to feel something. Anything besides this silence….

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There’s always a bit of heaven in this hell ♡

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Ear buds in, music up, eyes closed, deep breath. This is home, the place my heart lives, surrounded by a wall of light to block this wave of darkness. The moment this darkness consumes the light I’m lost, lost in agony, trying to swim out…looking for a release. As of right now though there’s still a chance to beat it. There’s still hope. H.O.P.E. Being surrounded by this madness doesn’t mean I have to give in. It doesn’t mean I have to cry,  to scream, to be scared or to relapse. It simply means I must fight the battle I always have, & as long as I know to keep fighting,  I can still fight. With the will to fight comes courage and with courage anything may be conquered. This is my light. My light is the HOPE, the COURAGE, the MEANING I still have, & this is how i survive this hell.

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The real battle is within ♥

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She walks through the halls with a smile & a laugh. She goes to bed in tears and shakes. She is me. Each day I wake up and swallow this white pill. Created to change me and morph me into some kind of puppet. Addictive chemicals altering my brain, but still don’t stop pain. No one sees it, but every second of every minute of ever hour of every day I face a battle. Not just any kind of battles though. Battles that, under the surface, create a war. A war against anxiety and depression.  A war against hate, anger, & self harm. Every day I wish it would just stop just so I could be at peace. When I relapse it’s the hardest thing on me. It kills me to fail myself. One day though I Will win the war, & except myself. I will smile and laugh with meaning, & I will look at my reflection and know I am truly happy.

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